The Way I Want to Be

I sometimes struggle with two theories about the best way to live a satisfying life. The first camp suggests that we achieve peace by practicing gratitude. The argument for being grateful is pretty straightforward and compelling. When we stop and think, most of us have everything we really need. A home, a job, our health, food on the table, perhaps a family and a supportive social network; all the basic necessities for happiness. We know that there are so many less fortunate people than us in the world. Homelessness, hunger, disease, war, persecution, and lack of human rights are all alive and present in our world. And yet we’ve become so used to complaining. Over the weekend a car was rudely beeping when another car tried to pull in front of him within merging traffic. This morning I saw someone get impatient when having to wait in line. And all of us have gotten frustrated when the extra cream, mocha latte we ordered wasn’t prepared correctly. Reading this, we probably all see how silly it is to complain about such minor things.

There is abundant research regarding the link between practicing gratitude and happiness. In one study, Group One wrote a gratitude letter to another person every week for three weeks. Group Two wrote down their thoughts about negative experiences, and Group Three did nothing. All three groups received counseling. After twelve weeks Group one still reported significantly better mental health (Wong and Brown, 2017). In another study, participants were asked to write down their gratitude items for 21 days. A the end of the 21 days they reported feeling more optimistic, less anxious, and better rested both immediately after, and for three to six months after the study. And its not just mental health that benefits. In a 2015 study (Huffman, Beale, Beach, Celano, Belcher, Moore, Suarez, Gandhi, Motiwala, Gaggin, Januzzi) patients who expressed optimism/gratitude had healthier hearts two weeks after a coronary event.

And the benefits of practicing gratitude go on:

• Acknowledgement that there is goodness in the world and that you are the beneficiary of that goodness
• Becoming less materialistic
• Less likely to experience burnout
• Better physical health
• Better sleep
• Less physical inflammation
• More Patience and greater resiliency
• Redirect of focus from toxic, negative emotions
• Trains our brain to look for the positive

All of this makes sense to me. And its easy to get started. You don’t need money, equipment, or training. Just a little bit of time. There are many free apps you can download for suggestions, but even that isn’t necessary. Here are some ideas.

Ways to Practice Gratitude:

• Meditation: Download a free app or youtube video
• Keep a Journal
• Write a Letter
• Recognize a moment of happiness or kindness and take a moment to appreciate it
• Say thank you to others and be specific about what you’re being thankful for

The second theory about how to achieve happiness and satisfaction in your life seems almost contradictory to the gratitude theory. This one states that we should never be satisfied with less than what we have always wanted or perhaps what we deserve. Accepting “less” often translates to a word with very negative connotations: Settling. Believers of the “never settle” theory claim that settling will lead to negative results, including:

• Lower happiness/life satisfaction
• Having regrets
• Wishing things were different
• Feeling that you aren’t living up to your potential
• Looking back on your dreams and feeling disappointed

What is wrong, the non-settlers would argue, with continuing to seek a better job, car, house, partner? Aren’t we just settling if what we have is not the best that we want or deserve? Clearly settling is always bad. Or is it? According to Oxford, the definitions of “settle” are as follows: 1. resolve or reach an agreement; 2. pay a debt or account; 3. adopt a more steady or secure way of life. Interestingly, none of the connotations of what we think of these days which in essence is “being satisfied with less than you deserve.” In fact, the definition of adopting a more steady or secure way of life sounds pretty positive. Should we always chase our dreams, or should we be grateful for what we have? When, if ever, is it okay to “Settle?” and When is it bad to settle?

We make decisions like this on a daily basis, even for minor issues. We make the decision based on comparing two possible outcomes. For example, should I pack and bring my lunch to work, or should I go to MacDonalds? The first option might be less expensive and healthier, but option 2 might offer more enjoyment while eating. The decision that is reached will likely be different for different people. So when might settling be a problem that will lead to lower life satisfaction?

You might be “settling” for less happiness if:

• You find you are always complaining
• You wake up in the morning and dread going in to work
• You have people in your life but are still lonely
• You are putting up with a dangerous situation (abuse, alcoholism, etc)
• You frequently feel unhappy or anxious about situations in your life
• You are not acting because you are afraid of failure

I recently read an article about settling in which the author claimed that there are always better options out there. This did not ring true to me. I feel there has to be some element of reality. Does it make sense to decide in your later years that you want to be an actress and you have not had any training, and do not have any exposure to people who might make this dream a reality? Leaving a stable job and moving to LA in this instance might not be the best idea. And even if it’s true that there is always a better option, then won’t we always be chasing something better? When is it safe to be satisfied and be grateful for what you already have?

So which of these two practices is going to lead to more happiness? I propose that these two trains of thought, both with great supporting arguments, can live simultaneously. Certainly practicing gratitude offers benefits that we can all enjoy. The thing about gratitude is, you get to decide what you’re grateful for. So you can be grateful for the fact that you have a job and are not struggling financially, while still taking some steps toward accomplishing the dream job. Or maybe the dream job is out of reach, for one reason or another. It’s okay to adjust your dreams, based on your current situation. If we never altered our dreams, we would all still be hoping to be Rock Stars or Super Heroes! I, for example, have a day job working in a bank. I’ve been in banking for over 30 years and the industry has provided me and my family with a stable income, some level of advancement, and many benefits that give me peace of mind. It’s not my dream job, but I get to experience my dream of writing by talking to you through this blog. In this way I’m able to incorporate both my practice of gratitude, and the pursuit of my dreams.

Ultimately, each of us has to decide for ourselves. Like many of life’s choices, this one does not have the same answer for everyone. And, I think, like many other lifestyle choices, it comes down to balance. For you, health may be most important, while for someone else it might be wealth, or for someone else it might be strong social relationships. Whatever is most important to you right now, you can probably find something in your current situation to be grateful for. And also something you can still strive for. I think that utilizing both strategies is sure to lead to greater happiness.

This is How I Want to Be.