Do you look forward to the moment you see a good friend, and anticipate the hug that will follow, imagining the love and joy you’ll feel as your arms reach around her and squeeze? Or, is it the opposite? Anxiety as you anticipate that obligatory hug? Discomfort and unease and hoping it will be over as quickly as possible?
I need to make a distinction here. There is a legitimate phobia of being touched that is beyond just uncomfortability. That fear is called Haphephobia. It’s defined as extreme, irrational distress over being touched by anyone, and it is immobilizing for many people. It’s symptoms can include nausea, vomiting, heart palpitations, sweating, hyperventilating, hives, and panic attacks. That’s not the kind of unease being addressed here. What I’m talking about is slightly less debilitating, but still very real. These are the people who say “I’m just not a hugger.”
Of course we’re not just talking about hugging, but all aspects of physical touch. And there are many different levels of this love/hate relationship. There is the extreme toucher who will grab someone they are meeting for the first time and hold on like its a long lost best friend. You’ve probably seen a scene like this in a movie. A young man is meeting his girlfriend’s parents for the first time and is nervous about how he will be perceived. He offers a “nice to meet you Mr. Smith,” and Mr. Smith says, “oh, get over here and give me a hug!” and proceeds to grip him firmly and hold on for dear life. And then on the other end of the spectrum is the person who hangs back, giving a simple, small wave–at a safe distance of course.
So I wondered. How come some people like it and some people don’t?
This question brings up the usual response when discussing many human characteristics: Genes, or Environment? The evidence regarding touch seems to lean more heavily on the side of environment. Studies have shown that how much you touch as an adult is directly linked to the amount of physical touch you received in childhood. A 2012 study published in Comprehensive Psychology found that people raised by frequent huggers were more likely to be huggers in adulthood. And the opposite is also true. If you were raised with little physical touch, you are likely to exhibit the same traits with your children.
There might be differences for men, versus women. In another study, published in Communication Monographs, researchers found that, in women, affectionate behavior can be explained 45% by hereditary and 55% by environmental influences. For men, affectionate behavior instead seems to be solely influenced by environmental factors. The study examined adult twins, comparing identical twins, who share both the same environment and 100% of the same genes, with fraternal twins, who share the same environment, but only 50% of the same genes (the same as other siblings). If genetics didn’t play any role, we would expect that the scores of people in fraternal twin pairs would be just as similar as the scores of people in identical twin pairs, who are more alike genetically. But that was not the case. The identical twin pairs scored more similarly than the fraternal twin pairs – at least in the case of women – suggesting that there is, in fact, a genetic component to affectionate behavior.
Part of the reason for a discrepancy between men and women may be that women, overall, tend to be more affectionate, perhaps the result of evolutionary forces. Still, in both cases environmental factors appear to play a bigger role.
Of course there are cases where the opposite is true: Some children grow up feeling starved for touch and end up being very demonstrative with family and friends later in life. I think I fall slightly into this category. While I always felt loved as a child, hugs and kisses were not part of our normal day. I have definitely tried to be different with my kids, and in addition to saying “I love you” every day, I have tried to hug and kiss them more than I experienced as a kid.
And yet. . . I have two children, and one will take any opportunity to grab a hug while the other will usually opt out. Hmmm. Similar genes, same environment. So whatever the dominant results are, as with most things in life, the studies don’t always bear out in reality.
Aside from the obvious factor of growing up with a family that was not physically demonstrative, what are some other environmental factors that could negatively affect your feelings toward physical touch?
- Past trauma
- Postpartum disorder
- Stress
- Lack of trust
- Media
- Personal relationships
- Negative body image
And aside from the “hugging” gene, what are some genetic possibilities that might affect a person’s predisposition to touch? Neurodiverse spectrum seems to top the list. This covers many conditions including, but not limited to autism, aspergers, and ADHD. OCD is another possibility for a dislike of physical touch.
There also appear to be cultural differences. In one study conducted in coffee shops in different countries, findings showed that Americans touched approximately twice during a single conversation, but in France and Puerto Rico, that number was over 100.
So is one tendency better than the other? The answer to that appears to be a resounding YES!
Lack of physical touch can lead to an underdeveloped vagus nerve, a bundle of nerves that runs from the spinal cord to the abdomen. Research shows this can decrease your ability to be intimate or compassionate and can lead to an underdeveloped oxytocin system. Signals to the vagus nerve recognize any form of touch and release oxytocin –sometimes called the love hormone, or cuddle hormone. A lack of this release can hinder your ability to form human bonds, and this effect can be long lasting. A 2014 study of Romanian orphans who were hardly touched in the orphanage, found that those orphans, who were later adopted, did not display the expected rise in oxytocin when sitting on their parents laps, such as you might see in children who had this experience from birth.
Here are some other ways in which lack of physical touch can be harmful:
- Lack of intimacy or intimacy avoidance
- Lack of bonding
- Feelings of unhappiness and depression
- Anxiety
- Difficulty sleeping
- Low relationship satisfaction
On the flip side, the benefits of physical touch are numerous:
- Feelings of happiness and pleasure
- Feelings of being loved
- Reduced stress
- Reduced heart rate and blood pressure
- Lack of depression due to oxytocin and serotonin
- Higher self confidence
- Feelings of reassurance, empathy, compassion from another person
- Better immunity: A 2015 study by Carnegie Mellon showed that people who were hugged experienced a 32% boost in immunity
- Lower levels of inflammation, a cause of many chronic health problems
Clearly physical touch has a positive impact on both our mental, and physical lives. So what should you do if you don’t like to hug, but would like to attempt to get the benefits of increased physical touch? Ease into it with less invasive forms of affection. Samantha Hess, a “professional cuddler,” runs a company that teaches people how to enjoy a platonic touch and claims to have 78 different poses to meet each individual’s comfort level. Try massage, holding and petting animals, getting your hair or nails done. We tend to think of hugging, but the benefits of physical touch apply to all types: A fist bump, back slapping, high fives and a simple hand touch on an arm can all create the same benefits. And these benefits extend to both individuals. Sit close to loved ones, try a hug with those who are closest to you. maybe a pat on the shoulder or back. You could even try a new activity like a team sport or dancing.
Of course we always want to be sensitive to others who may not like to hug. If you aren’t sure how others feel, reach out for a less invasive fist bump, or skip the contact altogether.
And if you’re already prone to physical touch, continue to encourage that tendency by reaching out for loved ones who you know would welcome it. Instead of just at bedtime, grab that hug any time, or try a pat on the back which works for encouragement, recognition, or sympathy. Younger kids also love a “secret handshake.” Let’s face it, you can’t perform a secret handshake without feeling happy and connected.
I know I said I’ve tried to be demonstrative with my kids, but the truth is, I don’t really want to touch or be touched by strangers, and I hate the fake hug with the pat, pat on the back with as little “real” touch as possible. However, even with people I’m meeting for the first time, I do enjoy a good, firm handshake, or a fist bump. To me those reflect friendliness and respect, which are always welcome.
But if you’re someone for whom I feel affection, give me a great big bear hug any day. And yes, you can squeeze.
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