By the time you’re my age–let’s just call it mature–you’ve settled into the friendships you’ll have for life. In the last 10 years or so I’ve made a conscious decision to let some friendships go. There weren’t any angry disagreements or vows to never speak to one another again. It’s just that gradually, we started to drift apart, and at a certain point, I let it happen. I guess I would go as far as to say I wanted it to happen. It’s not that they weren’t nice people, or that I didn’t like them. It’s other factors, like, maybe they weren’t as positive as I’d like. Maybe they weren’t as receptive to my suggestions to get together. Or maybe the sheer physical distance makes a lasting relationship too difficult. I am, after all, from a generation that grew up before social media. And “friends,” means something very different to us. Whatever the final factor that caused the cut, the underlying reason is the same in all cases. There is simply not enough time to maintain an infinite number of relationships.
I am a pretty busy person with a full life. I have two kids who are the best ever, and who are also very busy and still needing their mom, and I have a partner who I also love. I have a full time job, a part time job, and many hobbies. I own a nice home, have a pet, belong to organizations and like to do some volunteering. Add to that a solid core of extended family and friends. So spare time is valuable. And decisions as to how I spend that time are important.
As I said, the friendship decisions have been conscious. I have a sister-in-law, Lynn, who is very important to me. We actually were married to brothers, and although we have both gotten divorced from the guys who brought us together, we have such a history of shared joys and sorrows and are still close. I have another good friend, Heather, who was a colleague for many years and who holds a special place in my heart for her friendship, thoughtfulness, and support. I make a concerted effort with these relationships, and several others, to stay in touch. No, we don’t talk every day, but if too much time goes by, I can feel it, and I reach out with a text, a phone call, or maybe even a drop in visit with some goodies, or a a floral delivery.
Interestingly enough, my most precious friendships are those that have been around the longest: A group of 6 girls that I have known since high school. In high school we were all friendly, but not necessarily hanging around together all the time. I was closest with Jeanne, and we did hang out a lot, playing cards, going to concerts, studying together, even throughout college. Clo and I hung out occasionally outside of school. She was the wild one, skipping school, and trying the things that scared this goody two shoes. I stuck close to her to see what would happen next and to make sure she didn’t get hurt. Galdina, Martha, and Irene were kids you just wanted to be around. We met in Portuguese class and I enjoyed their compassionate natures and their wonderful sense of humor. Chris and I had a lot of the same classes in high school but didn’t really become friends until many years later. Her sarcastic wit and bold nature make her so much fun to be around.
After some periods of less contact, while our children were small, and varying degrees of socializing, this group kind of made our way to each other as adults, and now we’re a package deal, and I am so thankful every day for each and every one of them.
What makes this group relationship so special? Many, many things. We are all in the same places in our lives. Our kids are mostly grown, and if not already independent, getting close. We all work hard, but don’t live to work. Our complaints are the same: work, spouse, kids, a growing bucket list, and a finite amount of time. We have a group chat text, and its unusual for several days to pass without a conversation. Maybe someone is sharing exciting news (Matthew got engaged! Casey passed the MTEL!). Or maybe someone is just checking in: How’s everyone doing? What’s up for the weekend?
Pre-covid we had a standing dinner date once a month, We sometimes would take day trips and have had some great vacations together. Recently we’ve met with much less frequency. A couple of zoom get-togethers, a dinner with less than full attendance (we hate that!) and recently a great 2 hour walk in the brisk air that finished with Blueberry pie and coffee provided by Martha and eaten out of the back of her car in a parking lot. We are all anxiously awaiting the time when we can see each other again and plan one of our famous getaways, because there’s nothing like getting together in person.
Aside from the vast amount of things we have in common, the history we share, and the laughs that are always imminent when we get together, the best way to summarize why this group dynamic works so well, is support. We share things with each other before we share them with the world, if we ever do. Difficulties with the kids, a sick family member, a difficult coworker, marital problems. When we are together, a safe zone is created where we can say anything and feel complete support. You will never hear, “why did you do that?” but only, “that must have been difficult. How can I help?” It is the best feeling in the world to know that I can say anything and not only will I not be judged, but I will be loved, and will always leave their presence feeling better than when I went in.
It’s a relationship that I treasure, and nurture, and pray that I have for every day that I have left to enjoy them. I hope you all have a safe place like this in your lives.
F Words that are not 4 Letters 