Kids – F Words that are not 4 Letters

Suffering the Consequences

The word “consequences” has a bad rep, and it’s probably because its always paired with the word “suffer.” But not all consequences are bad. Consequences are merely the result of making a decision about something. According to Oxford: A result or effect of an action or condition. And learning how to create positive consequences is an important lesson for our kids to learn.

So here is something I would tell my younger self: When it comes to raising our children, letting them make mistakes, and learn from them, is the best way to assist them in attaining functioning independence. I’ll be the first to confess, I was a little late to the game. My children are 17 and 19 and while I’ve tried to remember this rule as they’ve grown up, its only more recently that I’ve forced myself to take it more seriously. It continues to be difficult to pull away from solving their problems and making sure they do what they’re supposed to do. The reason for this, of course, is that we want to shield our children from failure, heartbreak, embarrassment, and a host of other unpleasant results from their actions.

My generation is the first generation to be stuck in this quandary. As I recall my childhood, and in speaking with others in my age group, we all agree: Our parents were not making our decisions for us. Nor were they lecturing us about what might happen if we did–or did not–do certain things. The “when I was a kid. . .” stories are mostly true. They kicked us out of the house first thing saturday morning, and we weren’t expected back until the street lights came on. In between those hours, they did not know where we were, who we were with, or what we were doing. They did not advise us when we left in the morning about what to do and not to do. They did not remind us of things we needed to accomplish, or dangers that might await us. When we returned home in the evenings, they did not ask us where we had been or what we had been doing. On a school day, we were not asked if we did our homework or–god forbid–if we needed help with our homework. We managed–or didn’t manage–all of these things on our own. When we reached the appropriate age, they did not tell us to get a job. We did that on our own, as soon as we were able. We knew our parents were not going to give us money, so a job was the only way to be able to pay for entertainment, and eventually, a car.

I think, in part, my generation’s need to “provide” more for our children comes from a perception that we didn’t have much growing up. My mom was a single mom, raising 3 kids. She worked full time but there was no money for extras like vacations, dinners out, cool clothes. We did not even have a family car growing up. So of course when we started having kids, we wanted them to not feel that anxiety of wearing the same 2 or 3 outfits over and over, or of having to ask friends for rides. This desire to give them more then carried over to wanting them to have more career options, make more money, have more friends. And to accomplish this, they obviously needed our guidance about many life decisions, beginning at a young age.

I’m not saying my kids are spoiled, or even ungrateful. They are good kids who appreciate what they have. But they have come to rely on me for some basic life skills: reminders about appointments, wake up calls for school or work, suggestions about saving money and paying bills. This “help,” as I’ve always thought of it, is not really helping if they’re not learning how to accomplish these things themselves. And they’ll never do that if I don’t help them learn how. And they learn by making mistakes that have consequences. Both of my kids have felt the pain of not having the money they needed for basic items like gas and socializing with friends, due to spending their paycheck as soon as they received it. This is the pain that causes positive changes for the next time.

I wonder if this need of ours to assist them in having a better life may be one reason why so many adult children now still live at home with their parents. Maybe we didn’t help them to learn how to manage things on their own: Getting and keeping a job, cooking and cleaning, saving and budgeting. Don’t worry, it’s not too late!

So when is it appropriate to step in and when to step back? The list of times you should step in is shorter, I think: Whenever an action, or inaction, is potentially physically dangerous to themselves or others. You can’t turn a blind eye to behaviors involving drugs and alcohol, or mental illness such as depression. Any of these situations require some intervention. In addition, we always want to be talking to our kids about qualities like strong morals, work ethic, and responsibilities. Ideally, we as their parents will be modeling the desired behaviors from the time they are born. I believe that seeing these qualities in their parents is possibly the best way to instill them in our children.

In terms of active teaching, from a young age we can offer options and suggest potential consequences. “You can either wear your coat or not wear it. If you don’t wear it you might be cold.” Then leave it up to the child. They may decide not to wear the coat, and will experience the cold firsthand, and perhaps make a different decision the next time. I had to step back several times when my kids were in high school. My daughter hit a rough patch with her grades during her junior year in high school. Thinking herself too far behind, she gave up. While I was not in favor of this line of thought, I let her make the call. This decision of hers did affect her options when it came time for college. Fortunately it was not tragic, just put her on a different path. She did come to look back on that time with some regrets, and probably learned a lesson that will serve her well in the future. Here are some other areas where kids can and should, make their own decisions, when they’ve reached an appropriate age. And by doing so, may learn a valuable life lesson, or just learn something about themselves:

–What to Wear

–What to eat or not eat

–What time to go to bed

–School choices (getting up on time, attendance, homework, which classes to take)

–Who to have as friends

–What types of extracurricular activities to participate in, if any

–How to spend their free time

–Driving

–When to get a job, and which one to get

–Whether or not to go to college, which college and what to study (depending on family financial situation)

Often, what I tell my kids these days is something along the lines of “I’m leaving it up to you now to. . . ” follow through on a course of action they’ve selected. I tell them that I am always available to help or talk, if asked, but that I won’t be offering unrequested advice or reminders. I’m happy to say I have recently had some proud momma moments. Like when my daughter called me to let me know she mailed a necessary form for school and made some calls to try to find a new doctor. Or when my son went and got himself a second summer job when he began to realize how expensive it is to own a car. Seeing them making these mature decisions on their own does make me happy.

If you recognize in yourself a history of solving your kids problems and trying to save them from mistakes, I’ll encourage you to rethink this philosophy. If they’re already in their teens, you have likely taught them many basic life lessons, both purposefully and through your actions. Its time to let them show you what they’ve learned, and let them learn a couple more lessons on their own. It could mean the difference between creating an adult who is still dependent on you, and a successful, happy adult.

I know which I choose.

Friends For Life

By the time you’re my age–let’s just call it mature–you’ve settled into the friendships you’ll have for life. In the last 10 years or so I’ve made a conscious decision to let some friendships go. There weren’t any angry disagreements or vows to never speak to one another again. It’s just that gradually, we started to drift apart, and at a certain point, I let it happen. I guess I would go as far as to say I wanted it to happen. It’s not that they weren’t nice people, or that I didn’t like them. It’s other factors, like, maybe they weren’t as positive as I’d like. Maybe they weren’t as receptive to my suggestions to get together. Or maybe the sheer physical distance makes a lasting relationship too difficult. I am, after all, from a generation that grew up before social media. And “friends,” means something very different to us. Whatever the final factor that caused the cut, the underlying reason is the same in all cases. There is simply not enough time to maintain an infinite number of relationships.

I am a pretty busy person with a full life. I have two kids who are the best ever, and who are also very busy and still needing their mom, and I have a partner who I also love. I have a full time job, a part time job, and many hobbies. I own a nice home, have a pet, belong to organizations and like to do some volunteering. Add to that a solid core of extended family and friends. So spare time is valuable. And decisions as to how I spend that time are important.

As I said, the friendship decisions have been conscious. I have a sister-in-law, Lynn, who is very important to me. We actually were married to brothers, and although we have both gotten divorced from the guys who brought us together, we have such a history of shared joys and sorrows and are still close. I have another good friend, Heather, who was a colleague for many years and who holds a special place in my heart for her friendship, thoughtfulness, and support. I make a concerted effort with these relationships, and several others, to stay in touch. No, we don’t talk every day, but if too much time goes by, I can feel it, and I reach out with a text, a phone call, or maybe even a drop in visit with some goodies, or a a floral delivery.

Interestingly enough, my most precious friendships are those that have been around the longest: A group of 6 girls that I have known since high school. In high school we were all friendly, but not necessarily hanging around together all the time. I was closest with Jeanne, and we did hang out a lot, playing cards, going to concerts, studying together, even throughout college. Clo and I hung out occasionally outside of school. She was the wild one, skipping school, and trying the things that scared this goody two shoes. I stuck close to her to see what would happen next and to make sure she didn’t get hurt. Galdina, Martha, and Irene were kids you just wanted to be around. We met in Portuguese class and I enjoyed their compassionate natures and their wonderful sense of humor. Chris and I had a lot of the same classes in high school but didn’t really become friends until many years later. Her sarcastic wit and bold nature make her so much fun to be around.

After some periods of less contact, while our children were small, and varying degrees of socializing, this group kind of made our way to each other as adults, and now we’re a package deal, and I am so thankful every day for each and every one of them.

What makes this group relationship so special? Many, many things. We are all in the same places in our lives. Our kids are mostly grown, and if not already independent, getting close. We all work hard, but don’t live to work. Our complaints are the same: work, spouse, kids, a growing bucket list, and a finite amount of time. We have a group chat text, and its unusual for several days to pass without a conversation. Maybe someone is sharing exciting news (Matthew got engaged! Casey passed the MTEL!). Or maybe someone is just checking in: How’s everyone doing? What’s up for the weekend?

Pre-covid we had a standing dinner date once a month, We sometimes would take day trips and have had some great vacations together. Recently we’ve met with much less frequency. A couple of zoom get-togethers, a dinner with less than full attendance (we hate that!) and recently a great 2 hour walk in the brisk air that finished with Blueberry pie and coffee provided by Martha and eaten out of the back of her car in a parking lot. We are all anxiously awaiting the time when we can see each other again and plan one of our famous getaways, because there’s nothing like getting together in person.

Aside from the vast amount of things we have in common, the history we share, and the laughs that are always imminent when we get together, the best way to summarize why this group dynamic works so well, is support. We share things with each other before we share them with the world, if we ever do. Difficulties with the kids, a sick family member, a difficult coworker, marital problems. When we are together, a safe zone is created where we can say anything and feel complete support. You will never hear, “why did you do that?” but only, “that must have been difficult. How can I help?” It is the best feeling in the world to know that I can say anything and not only will I not be judged, but I will be loved, and will always leave their presence feeling better than when I went in.

It’s a relationship that I treasure, and nurture, and pray that I have for every day that I have left to enjoy them. I hope you all have a safe place like this in your lives.

A List for the lists

I love lists. Yes, I know, many of you probably use lists on a daily basis: Groceries, errands, work projects are common. My list obsession may go a bit further. My list app currently holds 47 different lists with a whopping 1033 individual items. And growing. Happily, they do not all have a due date of today. I started innocently enough with a typical to-do list. Then I quickly needed to make an adjustment based on what needed to be done today (return my library books), versus things that just needed to get done eventually (spring cleaning). Then I wanted to create a list for weekend chores, and needed a separate list for that. Of course I needed a “shopping” list for groceries and a “Target” list for my favorite retailer. Free delivery over $35! The rest is history.

Many of my lists are just informational, for someday future use. As in, it will be there when I need it. These include hiking destinations–subcategorized by region–potential day trip destinations, and recipes I’ve come across and would like to try. I also keep track of gift ideas (not to be confused with “Christmas gift ideas”). And how many times recently, when you’ve been homebound, have you sat in front of the tv, and struggled with what to watch next? There’s a “netflix series” list for that!

Several lists revolve around my kids. I have a list of their friends, with phone numbers, and a list for topics I want to talk to them about when we have a few minutes together, as well as a list of things I want to discuss with their doctor at their next checkup.

Self improvement and entertainment are always important. So there’s a list of books I’d like to read, restaurants I’d like to try, and exercises ideas for when I want to mix up my workout routine.

You will not be surprised to hear that I am adding to these lists frequently throughout the day. As I get older and my memory sometimes fails me, I know it’s best to add an item immediately when I think of it. Besides random ideas that pop into my head, there are numerous opportunities throughout the day for great ideas. Coworkers, friends, and social media offer a continuous stream of brilliant suggestions and reminders. Current circumstances also often dictate the need for a new list (where should we go for our summer vacation?).

You serious list makers out there will agree that the best thing about making lists is checking things off! This is typically even more satisfying than adding something new. Checking something off your list is proof to yourself that you are being productive. Even better, you may explore a new activity, recipe, or destination from your list that ends up being enjoyable and/or fulfilling. You might conquer a challenge, meet some new friends, or just be awed by something beautiful. In short, lists can help you to live your best life. For me, it’s safe to say that I would be lost without my lists.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to check something off of my “Blog ideas” list.