You’ve probably heard that your sibling placement is often very telling of some of your personality characteristics. The first born is responsible, a leader, maybe even bossy. The baby is social, creative, attention seeking. Only children are often described as selfish, independent, and ambitious.
But I am the middle child, the peacekeeper. It didn’t help that my older and younger siblings were both boys, prone to physical fighting and arguments. I remember days of trying to keep them apart, and protecting my younger brother from being picked on by the oldest.
The trait has followed me into adulthood. I don’t enjoy conflict, preferring for everyone to get along. It’s part of why my friend tribe suits me so well. The supportive nature of our relationship means we do not argue or get into fights. That doesn’t mean we don’t disagree, but everyone is always respectful and our goal is always the same. We always wish the best for each other. Hanging with them is never tense or anxiety provoking. Not surprisingly, each of us in our group thinks of ourselves as the peacekeeper in our lives, sibling placement notwithstanding!
But conflicts exist in all other areas of my life. Household family, extended family, and the workplace. I don’t think the key players in these relationships are always conscious of my role as peacekeeper, but I find that when two people in my life are having a disagreement with each other, they both will come to me to plead their case and potentially ask for my assistance. Sometimes they just want to be heard and blow off a little steam. Other times they’re asking for me to take an active role in sorting out the disagreement. So in this way, everyone’s problems eventually become my problem.
I do prefer this role to the fighting that might otherwise ensue. I’m pretty good at finding middle ground, and understanding what works best with each party; at discovering a compromise. Part of my role as peacekeeper is always giving others the benefit of the doubt, and trying to see things from their point of view. Their behavior may seem crazy to us: How is it possible he did not notice that the trash needs to go out? Why does she feel the need to move any object on top of a surface so that the person who left it there cannot find it? Why does the colleague at work refuse to answer the continuously ringing phone, causing frustration for others?
Yes, I can understand all of these things. And part of my peacekeeping mission is to help others to understand as well. And while anyone who wants to preserve a relationship will try to make changes to please the aggrieved, it is true that we can really only change ourselves, which means changing our reactions to the annoyances of others, and learning how to ask for something different.
So, I counsel. I remind one that a teenage boy is not trying to anger those around him by failing to take out the trash. It is simply that other things in his life are more important and he honestly does not think about trash. I let someone else know that not everyone was raised in the same environment as we were, and that others may come from an upbringing where you were punished for leaving items out where they don’t belong. I gently inform coworkers that some people are not as comfortable socially as others, and that for some, handling a phone conversation can be a very daunting task.
It can be summed up, I think, as empathy. Putting yourself in the others shoes and trying to understand things from their point of view. It’s not easy, and not everyone can do it. Often people are so engrossed in their own disbelief of how others handle a situation that they cannot envision another way of thinking about it. But this is essential to maintaining your relationships. Understanding others reactions and changing your way of handling things to meet them halfway. Of course, the hope is that they will do the same to meet you half way. That is the peacekeepers objective.
While I frequently groan as I’m having a difficult day at work and receive a text from one family member, unhappy with another, I don’t really regret my peacekeeping role. I know that its better for me to have less conflict in my life, and to know that the ones that I love the most are also in a more peaceful place. We have enough challenges already as we navigate life, without a daily struggle to simply coexist with those who are closest to us. At the end of a day, I’d rather know that I helped to reduce tensions in adjacent relationships than to be sitting worried about what I’ll hear from this one or that one, or worse, have to be in the same room with two people who are angry at one another.
If you feel as though you might NOT be the peacekeeper in your life, I encourage you to join us! You don’t have to be a middle child, or a mom, or even an adult, to help bring a little more peace to your world and the world around you. Here are some best practices that have worked for me in the past:
–Encourage both parties to separate when things get contentious
–Listen to both sides
–Try to find a shared goal (we all want to live in a clean house!)
–If possible (and if not too antagonistic) have the two parties speak to one another about the specific item that is bothering them
–Have both parties suggest something they can do to help keep peace with the other
–Hold family (or work) meetings to discuss issues as a group
–When all else fails, seek professional help
These skills come more naturally to some than to others. Even though I feel a certain predisposition to my peacekeeper role, I am constantly learning new aspects and having to refine my skills. And I am not always successful. Some issues are so contentious that there is no viable resolution. And sometimes, someone is just not willing to listen. But I carry on, because having peace in my life is worth the effort.
F Words that are not 4 Letters 