The word “consequences” has a bad rep, and it’s probably because its always paired with the word “suffer.” But not all consequences are bad. Consequences are merely the result of making a decision about something. According to Oxford: A result or effect of an action or condition. And learning how to create positive consequences is an important lesson for our kids to learn.
So here is something I would tell my younger self: When it comes to raising our children, letting them make mistakes, and learn from them, is the best way to assist them in attaining functioning independence. I’ll be the first to confess, I was a little late to the game. My children are 17 and 19 and while I’ve tried to remember this rule as they’ve grown up, its only more recently that I’ve forced myself to take it more seriously. It continues to be difficult to pull away from solving their problems and making sure they do what they’re supposed to do. The reason for this, of course, is that we want to shield our children from failure, heartbreak, embarrassment, and a host of other unpleasant results from their actions.
My generation is the first generation to be stuck in this quandary. As I recall my childhood, and in speaking with others in my age group, we all agree: Our parents were not making our decisions for us. Nor were they lecturing us about what might happen if we did–or did not–do certain things. The “when I was a kid. . .” stories are mostly true. They kicked us out of the house first thing saturday morning, and we weren’t expected back until the street lights came on. In between those hours, they did not know where we were, who we were with, or what we were doing. They did not advise us when we left in the morning about what to do and not to do. They did not remind us of things we needed to accomplish, or dangers that might await us. When we returned home in the evenings, they did not ask us where we had been or what we had been doing. On a school day, we were not asked if we did our homework or–god forbid–if we needed help with our homework. We managed–or didn’t manage–all of these things on our own. When we reached the appropriate age, they did not tell us to get a job. We did that on our own, as soon as we were able. We knew our parents were not going to give us money, so a job was the only way to be able to pay for entertainment, and eventually, a car.
I think, in part, my generation’s need to “provide” more for our children comes from a perception that we didn’t have much growing up. My mom was a single mom, raising 3 kids. She worked full time but there was no money for extras like vacations, dinners out, cool clothes. We did not even have a family car growing up. So of course when we started having kids, we wanted them to not feel that anxiety of wearing the same 2 or 3 outfits over and over, or of having to ask friends for rides. This desire to give them more then carried over to wanting them to have more career options, make more money, have more friends. And to accomplish this, they obviously needed our guidance about many life decisions, beginning at a young age.
I’m not saying my kids are spoiled, or even ungrateful. They are good kids who appreciate what they have. But they have come to rely on me for some basic life skills: reminders about appointments, wake up calls for school or work, suggestions about saving money and paying bills. This “help,” as I’ve always thought of it, is not really helping if they’re not learning how to accomplish these things themselves. And they’ll never do that if I don’t help them learn how. And they learn by making mistakes that have consequences. Both of my kids have felt the pain of not having the money they needed for basic items like gas and socializing with friends, due to spending their paycheck as soon as they received it. This is the pain that causes positive changes for the next time.
I wonder if this need of ours to assist them in having a better life may be one reason why so many adult children now still live at home with their parents. Maybe we didn’t help them to learn how to manage things on their own: Getting and keeping a job, cooking and cleaning, saving and budgeting. Don’t worry, it’s not too late!
So when is it appropriate to step in and when to step back? The list of times you should step in is shorter, I think: Whenever an action, or inaction, is potentially physically dangerous to themselves or others. You can’t turn a blind eye to behaviors involving drugs and alcohol, or mental illness such as depression. Any of these situations require some intervention. In addition, we always want to be talking to our kids about qualities like strong morals, work ethic, and responsibilities. Ideally, we as their parents will be modeling the desired behaviors from the time they are born. I believe that seeing these qualities in their parents is possibly the best way to instill them in our children.
In terms of active teaching, from a young age we can offer options and suggest potential consequences. “You can either wear your coat or not wear it. If you don’t wear it you might be cold.” Then leave it up to the child. They may decide not to wear the coat, and will experience the cold firsthand, and perhaps make a different decision the next time. I had to step back several times when my kids were in high school. My daughter hit a rough patch with her grades during her junior year in high school. Thinking herself too far behind, she gave up. While I was not in favor of this line of thought, I let her make the call. This decision of hers did affect her options when it came time for college. Fortunately it was not tragic, just put her on a different path. She did come to look back on that time with some regrets, and probably learned a lesson that will serve her well in the future. Here are some other areas where kids can and should, make their own decisions, when they’ve reached an appropriate age. And by doing so, may learn a valuable life lesson, or just learn something about themselves:
–What to Wear
–What to eat or not eat
–What time to go to bed
–School choices (getting up on time, attendance, homework, which classes to take)
–Who to have as friends
–What types of extracurricular activities to participate in, if any
–How to spend their free time
–Driving
–When to get a job, and which one to get
–Whether or not to go to college, which college and what to study (depending on family financial situation)
Often, what I tell my kids these days is something along the lines of “I’m leaving it up to you now to. . . ” follow through on a course of action they’ve selected. I tell them that I am always available to help or talk, if asked, but that I won’t be offering unrequested advice or reminders. I’m happy to say I have recently had some proud momma moments. Like when my daughter called me to let me know she mailed a necessary form for school and made some calls to try to find a new doctor. Or when my son went and got himself a second summer job when he began to realize how expensive it is to own a car. Seeing them making these mature decisions on their own does make me happy.
If you recognize in yourself a history of solving your kids problems and trying to save them from mistakes, I’ll encourage you to rethink this philosophy. If they’re already in their teens, you have likely taught them many basic life lessons, both purposefully and through your actions. Its time to let them show you what they’ve learned, and let them learn a couple more lessons on their own. It could mean the difference between creating an adult who is still dependent on you, and a successful, happy adult.
I know which I choose.
F Words that are not 4 Letters 