There’s a lot of negativity in the world. Every day, you are likely to run into someone who is complaining about something, or criticizing something. And it’s not just the stranger in front of you in line at the grocery store. You may have people in your life who are prone to always seeing the glass as half empty. You might even avoid them, when possible. You can’t control what other people do or say. You can only control yourself. And even that is often very difficult.
One of the hardest things to control is your own negative thoughts about yourself. We all have them. That inner voice that tells us we screwed up, or we’re not good enough. Maybe we didn’t handle that situation at work properly, or we didn’t do enough to prevent our kids from making mistakes, or maybe we don’t even like the way we look. Social media has only compounded these feelings. Every day we see people who appear to be having more fun, getting better jobs, enjoying better relationships. It’s likely not true, of course. Or at least not the complete picture of another person’s life. Social media posts only show what people want us to see.
Every person, no matter how successful, or well-liked, has their strengths and their weaknesses. Their positive qualities and their not-so-positive qualities. Their happy moments and their insecure moments. This is something that we all have in common. But if you find that your negative thoughts about yourself are outweighing the positive ones, it may be time to make a change.
So why do we beat ourselves up?
As with many characteristics, genetic predisposition may play a role. There is some evidence of an “optimism” gene, and studies have shown that those who don’t possess it were less optimistic, had lower self-esteem, and felt less personal mastery. If you recognize this tendency to believe the worst about yourself, you might also recognize it in one, or both, or your parents.
Of course the other element is environment. You may have witnessed self-critical behavior from others who influenced you when you were younger. And if you also had someone criticizing you from a young age, then you may have grown to believe their negative impressions of you.
Some people believe that criticizing themselves will motivate them to do better. After all, if we never tell ourselves to do better, then we’ll just end up being lazy and unproductive, right? But no correlation has been shown to exist between criticism and success. In fact, the opposite is true. Results often improve when people talk positively to themselves, as opposed to negatively. People who are successful have succeeded through hard work, talent, and determination, not because they were self-critical.
Sometimes people are self-deprecating because they don’t want to appear to be bragging. They think knocking themselves down makes them seem humble. This, of course, is silly. Sharing a positive moment about yourself with friends is very different from always telling everyone that you’re the best at everything. Letting your friends congratulate you on your successes leads to positive feelings about yourself which can lead to further efforts and successes and becomes a self-fulfilling positivity circle.
Lastly, sometimes self-critical thoughts could be due to a past trauma. Seek professional help if you feel your self-criticism is causing frequent sadness, anxiety, and consistent feelings of being overwhelmed and not wanting to make an effort, or feelings of shame, or guilt, or thoughts of harming yourself.
Why is self criticism unhealthy?
At its worst, self-criticism can lead to feelings of low self-esteem and possibly even anxiety, depression, and other mental illnesses like eating disorders and self-harming thoughts and activities. At best, self-criticism may stop you from trying new things, or from trying something a second time, following a mistake. Intellectually, we know that mistakes are the way we learn, but if you dwell on a mistake and are unable to try again, or to move past it, you might never get to experience the joy of getting it right. It might immobilize you and make it hard to move forward, if you’re convinced you’re going to fail. Self-criticism can hurt your relationships. You may find yourself withdrawing from friends and situations if you always feel inferior or like you will do something wrong, or if you feel like you don’t really bring any value to the group or gathering. Most of us like being around positive people, so if you’re the negative nellie in the group, your friends might pull away from you as well.
But how do we stop?
For most of us, self-criticism is not so much a personality trait, as it is a habit. The good news is that habits can be broken. This is something you can start now with no therapy, cost, or much time involved. Over time you can teach your brain to automatically make this shift. Replace that bad habit with a good one.
The first step is to recognize a negative thought and stop it in its track. Be mindful of the thoughts flowing through your brain. As soon as you become aware of negative self-talk shift your focus elsewhere, perhaps by reminding yourself of your good qualities, or something you did recently that you’re proud of or that helped someone else. If you can’t think of anything immediately, ask a loved one to share something they think is a positive quality about you, or start keeping a journal of positive memories from your day that you can refer back to when you need a self pep talk.
If you’re really stuck, let someone else do your self-love talking. I recently starting listening to some meditation at night before going to sleep. There are an infinite number of options for this, and I’m always listening to something different. Some of the sleeptime meditations focus on relaxing your body and making it easier to sleep. Others offer visualizations that help you focus on happy times, or maybe on something you wish would be different in your life. A new one I listened to recently began like this: ”You are a wonderful, amazing person.” I giggled a little at first, but then I started to really enjoy this little bedtime pep talk. This could spur you to come up with your own ways to affirm the goodness that is you.
A mantra might help. One of my favorite mantras is “Doing something is always better than doing nothing.” So if you do find yourself stressing over the way you handled a particular situation during your day, redirect by saying, okay, what can I learn from this scenario? Or, what can I do to move ahead positively to either make the situation better, or to prevent it from happening in the future? Then take action. Making steps to improve yourself will always make you feel better.
Practice self-compassion. This is sometimes thought of as being self-indulgent. But it’s more about not being so hard on yourself. Talk to yourself like you would talk to a good friend. In a supportive, loving way. What would you tell a good friend who shares a situation with you that left them feeling stupid or incompetent? You would likely assure them that it’s not as bad as it seems, that they handled it well considering the circumstances, and that most mistakes are fixable. Maybe you would even brainstorm some ideas to move forward.
Taking time for yourself is also important. You probably spend a large part of your day doing things for other people: Laundry, meals, tasks assigned by your boss. Possibly you are the person many come to when they have a problem or want to vent. Devoting time to yourself is equally as important. Schedule it. You can enjoy the things that are going well, and focus on what you want to do next. Take time to do your favorite things–read, meditate, exercise. Being kind to yourself will make you a happier person, and that positively affects all other areas of your life.
Make a list of qualities that you like about yourself. When someone compliments you, don’t say “Oh, I didn’t do that very well.” Instead smile, and say thank you and enjoy the moment, and add it to your list of positive qualities. Don’t expect perfection. Be realistic. Congratulate yourself when you’ve done something well, or taken a positive step toward achieving a goal.
Live according to your life’s purpose. If you’ve never thought about it, take some time to define it. What do you want to accomplish? Where do you want to make a difference? How would you want to be remembered? Think of it as your personal Mission Statement. Write it down. When you feel like you’re floundering, refer back to your mission statement and remind yourself of what’s important. Don’t be afraid to take risks and work toward the things that are important to you.
Some minor changes to your internal thoughts can have a big impact on your life. Most things are not life or death. Most things are fixable. It’s okay to not be great at everything. Being kind to yourself doesn’t mean you don’t want to improve. Quite the opposite, it will give you the confidence to take the steps that will enable you to get to where you want to be.
Think about the people in your life that you love. They’re imperfect, aren’t they? So why not also love the wonderful, amazing, imperfect person that is you.
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