Surprise Me!

I am always surprised, when someone says they don’t like surprises. How can you not like a surprise?? I’m talking here about someone planning a fun surprise for you, not a surprise like a flat tire on the highway and its dark out and you’re late for an appointment. I’m talking about the fun kind, like a party or a special day trip. I mean what’s not to like? Someone loves you enough to plan something special and then does all the work? I don’t get how this could be a bad thing. If they planned it special for you, then it’s probably something you would like, right? Where is the downside? Even if the surprise turns out to not be something I would have planned for myself, the fact that a loved one took the time to plan it just for me makes it special.

According to a study in the Journal of Neuroscience, even if you think you don’t like surprises, your brain does. In the study, fruit juice or water was squirted into the mouths of test subjects, sometimes predictably, sometimes nonpredictably. Subsequent study of brain activity showed that reward pathways responded much more strongly to the unexpectedness of the stimuli than merely the pleasurable effects. In other words pleasure centers in the brain react more strongly when pleasures are unexpected. The brain finds unexpected pleasures more rewarding than expected ones. I have a feeling this study won’t convince those who say they don’t like surprises.

Honestly, I feel bad for you if you don’t like surprises. But having heard this complaint from loved ones, I did want to understand it better. So after doing a little research, here’s what I’ve found out. There are legitimate reasons for those who don’t like surprises. For some people a surprise creates anxiety and a loss of control, even possibly a feeling of danger. In evolutionary times, your brain needed to know what was coming in order to keep you out of harm’s way. In this way, a surprise can create a fight or flight response in some people. Another thing I never would have thought of: If the event ( i.e a concert or visit to a national park) was something the intended had been looking forward to, the surprise takes away the joy of anticipating the event. Those who dislike surprises may also feel anxiety over having to pretend that they like a surprise. Also, people who dislike surprises are often planners, and springing something on them removes their ability to logistically, and emotionally, prepare for the event.

Okay, I guess I can understand these feelings. It’s important to know that when people say they don’t like surprises, they mean it, and they’re not going to change their mind simply because you planned what you think is the perfect surprise.

So how can someone like me hope to pleasantly surprise someone who doesn’t like surprises? Here are some ideas.

• Baby steps, or small surprises: A card placed in their lunchbox; A dinner invitation at the end of a difficult day
• Do a chore for them that they don’t like to do. No one ever complains if someone else does the laundry, or the dishes
• Give hints. Letting someone know you’re thinking of a surprise, but want to help prepare them, will ease the jolt. “I think we need to go to a concert soon.” You can even come right out and tell them you’re planning a surprise. Possibly even tell them when it will be so they aren’t waking up anxious every day
• Ask them what they would like: “If I were to plan a day trip for you, what elements would you like to see?” Ask as many questions as necessary to learn what they would really like and give them a comfort level with the fact that you’re planning something; in this way they will feel a little like they are part of the planning process; then wait long enough to hold the event, so it is still a bit of a surprise

I tried some of these ideas recently with my surprise-phobic BF–who will be enjoying a milestone birthday soon–by asking him what type of celebration he would like (“Definitely NOT a party”) and asking him to look at this calendar. So I’m actively planning something now, with his input, that I think he’ll enjoy. The type of event and timing won’t be a surprise, but I’ll be sure to throw some small surprises in there! Don’t tell.

if you’re reading this, and you know me personally. . . Expect a surprise someday. And I will never be disappointed if you decide to spring one on me!